Secret Ingredient
by bodiechan
Summary: USUK. Arthur feels upset that Alfred is too self-absorbed to notice him, so he decides to take rather drastic measures involving a very strange blend of tea...


I love this fanfic much too much for my own good. The inspiration for it came from a live roleplay session between me (I'm awesome enough that I cosplay America) and my incredible amazing England that somehow got around to her uttering the immortal words, "Would you like some more semen in your tea?" I decided right away that a fanfiction needed to be made. And thus, my first _Hetalia_ oneshot was born. Enjoy~

* * *

"I'm making a pot of tea. Would you like some, Alfred?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever, dude."

"All right."

Arthur Kirkland and Alfred F. Jones had been living together for almost three months now. Oh, sure, they fought almost constantly, but the sex was fantastic when they got around to it. Now if only Arthur could say the same for the days they spent together. He didn't mind arguing with Alfred—he was actually beginning to enjoy their debates, when Alfred wasn't being a complete douchebag. No, the problem was that when they _weren't_ fighting, Alfred had only one thing on his mind—himself. The only time when he ever noticed Arthur at all was when the latter was armed with the offering of a clearly labeled McDonald's takeout bag. Arthur loved Alfred dearly, but it was really starting to ground his nerves. Arthur could handle being hated, but he hated being ignored.

_Alfred hates tea. I bet he doesn't even know what he just agreed to. Bloody idiot. Would it kill him to listen to someone else once in a while?_

With a heavy sigh, Arthur set the teapot of water to boil. In the next room over, Alfred was sitting on his ass stuffing himself with potato chips and playing some brain-numbing American video game. Arthur shook his head and set out two mugs on the counter. It was a sorry sight when your long-term boyfriend paid more attention to his television screen than to you.

_How can I get the git to notice me? He's American, so subtleties won't work. I need to do something that will shock him. I need to go in with a bang._

_ Bang… that word sounds so sexual._

_ And sex is the only time when Alfred pays me a single shard of attention!_

The answer came to him more out of instinct than thought. Slowly Arthur slid his pants—both the American and British kind of pants—down to the floor and pulled his shirt over his head. He was now clad only in his cooking apron, the rest of his skin left tantalizingly bare.

_This is completely beneath me. I feel like such a floozy, but… if this doesn't get Alfred's attention, nothing will._

So, taking a deep breath for support, Arthur stepped into the living room in the nude.

"Hello, Alfred," he announced in a grand voice, striking a pose for effect.

"Hey, dude, whassup." Alfred didn't even look up from his game. Removing one hand from the controller, he pointed lazily at the can of soda resting six inches from his grasp. "Hey, pick up that Coke for me, will ya? These games can get pretty intense."

_Shit._

Grinding his teeth together inside his mouth, Arthur slowly walked forward swaying his hips a little as he walked and trying to imitate Francis in a sexually charged mood (i.e., all the time). He picked up Alfred's soda can and with a flourish thrust it forwards. "Here you are, Mr. Jones," he drawled, using the most seductive voice he knew how.

"Thanks, dude." To Arthur's despair, Alfred snatched the can from his fingers without even a single glance. "Whoa! I'm almost at level ten!"

For a split second, Arthur was actually prepared to strangle him. But then he took another look at the man's silky blonde hair and bright blue eyes, the boyish face that he loved more than any other in the world, and did something even worse.

Arthur got a boner. Naked except for an apron. In the middle of his living room.

And Alfred didn't notice.

_Fuck._

"I'll… go and finish the tea," Arthur announced weakly, fleeing to the sanctity of the kitchen, boner and all.

_Bloody hell, he didn't even notice _that_? What on earth does the man want me to do, do a strip tease in a giant hamburger suit? Not to mention the fact that I'm hard right now and there's no way he'll ever look up from his bloody video game long enough to relieve it…_

The teakettle interrupted his musings with a shrill whistle, signaling the water was ready. With another deep sigh, Arthur poured the water into the two cups, his hand shaking so hard that he spilled half of Alfred's onto the floor. He threw the teabags in, stirred a few times, and then picked up Alfred's mug to take into the next room, though he was very tempted to simply smash the damn mug against the floor. Maybe the crash it made would finally achieve Alfred's attention… but he knew it wouldn't. All he would have then would be a broken mug and still no Alfred.

So Arthur settled for gripping the mug so tightly that his knuckles turned white as he carried the tea carefully to Alfred's couch.

And somewhere along the way he may have emptied the contents of his dick into it as well.

Hey, Alfred always had liked his tea with milk and sugar. Personally, Arthur preferred it black. But then, Alfred liked everything sweeter than Arthur did.

"Here's your bloody tea," he grunted, shoving the contaminated liquid at the American on the couch.

"Thanks, dude." Alfred took the mug and held it carelessly in one hand while he navigated his game with the other. It was very clear he expected Arthur to leave him alone to play his game in peace.

But Arthur wasn't budging. "I want you to try it," he spat, each word coming out maliciously than the last. "I want to make sure I put enough… _milk_ in."

Nodding absently, Alfred took a sip, eyes not leaving the screen. But as soon as he swallowed, he dropped the controller and stared at his cup in awe. The game let off a loud and depressing noise to signal Alfred that he'd lost, but for once his attention was 100% captured by something else—the tea.

Arthur was giddy.

"Dude," Alfred said slowly, his eyes swiveling gradually around to Arthur's. Arthur stared at him, both excited and terrified to hear what his love had to say. But the next words out of Alfred's mouth shocked them both. "This is the freaking _best_ thing I've ever _tasted_!" Grinning hugely, Alfred drained the rest of the tea in one gulp and thrust the empty mug into the startled Arthur's arms. "You got any more?" he asked, his voice far too hopeful.

"Y-yes," Arthur stammered, closing his hands blindly around the mug. "I have… lots of it, actually."

"Wow! How did you make it taste so amazing?" Alfred babbled, eyes huge with excitement. "Your tea normally tastes worse than your food, which is really saying something! But this is better than a Big Mac!" He leaned over the back of the couch, just inches away from Arthur. "Make me more, dude! Make me more!"

Arthur could only mutely nod. "Tomorrow," he promised when he finally found his voice. "I can only make my… secret recipe once a day."

He had expected Alfred to whine and moan and complain about having to wait, but Alfred just nodded back, patient for the first time in his life. "I can't wait!" he chimed with a huge smile. Then suddenly the American blinked, seeming to really see the Englishman for the first time all day. "Hey, Arthur?" Alfred laughed. It had been so long since Arthur had heard him laugh. "Did you know you're kinda naked?"

Arthur couldn't help but smile.

And for the next week or so, that was how it went. Arthur got hard, Arthur made tea, Alfred drank semen, and everyone was happy. But after a while the plan began to slowly crumble beneath him, as Alfred could stay patient no longer and began to bombard Arthur with questions, more and more each day. What was his secret ingredient? Why could he only make it once every day? Why didn't Arthur ever drink some of this magical tea himself? And most importantly, why did Arthur always have to get naked to make it?

And one day a week later, after hours and hours of endless questions, Arthur felt the explanation just slip right off of his tongue. "Semen."

Alfred stared. "_What_ did you just say?" he asked, sounding very afraid.

"Semen," Arthur repeated, louder and more pronounced this time. If he was going to tell Alfred anyway, then why not make it dignified. "The white liquid that comes out of a man when he's aroused? That's my secret ingredient. Semen."

Alfred was silent for a moment, his mind shooting around from one topic to the next faster than a bullet from a rifle. Then suddenly, to Arthur's surprise, he let out a very loud, very uncomfortable laugh. "Oh, boy, Arthur, what a stupid joke! I mean, it's not like you'd actually put _semen_ in my—" But he stopped laughing abruptly when he saw the look on Arthur's face. Instantly Alfred paled to the color of semen itself, staring into the depths of his tea with an expression Arthur had never once seen him wear. "You're not kidding, are you," Alfred realized, his voice devoid of emotion.

Arthur swallowed painfully. "Alfred, I never meant to—"

"No, it's okay. I mean, the tea is still amazing whether there's semen in it or not." Alfred tore his eyes from the mug and managed a weak smile. And then, just when Arthur had thought that their relationship was completely blown to pieces, Alfred quickly tipped back his head and downed the entire rest of the tea, semen and all. He held out his mug to the baffled Arthur will a lopsided, childish smile. "Dude, could you make one more? Just this once? Pleeeaaaase?"

Alfred never said please. Taking the cup carefully from his hands, Arthur felt his face curl into something of a sly smile. He didn't know what had come over him, but somehow he found himself saying the immortal words, very polite and proper: "Would you like some more semen in your tea?"

"Well, actually…" Arthur noticed then that Alfred's smile was just as wicked as his own. "…I don't really care so much about the tea." Alfred jerked his head in the direction of their bedroom, eyes twinkling dangerously. "But yeah, the semen would be nice."

Startled but delighted, Arthur tore off his apron and pulled Alfred into a kiss.


End file.
